This blog is basically for me to get all the damn thoughts in my head out. Like a diary, an online journal. I will not be promoting this blog in any way, other than the little sharing button that's somewhere on this blog. If you like something I post, then by all means share it. But I seriously doubt anyone is going to give a damn about the blog of a nearly 40 year old woman who is only blogging because she can't keep the thoughts in her head from making so much noise while she tries to go to sleep.
If I offend you, sorry but I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for me. The thoughts swimming around in this mind of mine are literally driving me mad.
So I lost my job. It sucks. I didn't see it coming. I cried. A lot. I was devastated, because, even though I sometimes felt like all I did was work, I liked my job. It wasn't a fancy job; I was a Receptionist at a Veterinary clinic. It was fun most days. Some days not so fun, but I felt like, with the exception of the odd customer here and there who was a complete asshole, I did my job fairly competently.
Apparently not. I've not been told why I was fired, but I think I know why. And it's ok. I didn't play the reindeer games. I sometimes snapped at a client who was screaming at me for things that I had no control over. And there were days I was just tied, and just wanted to go home at closing, and couldn't.
What upset me was how I was let go - the how, where and when of it all, if you will. And I don't really want to go into detail, but I will say, I was fairly insulted and hurt at the way it was done. I am still bitter, so that's all I am gonna say about it. I need to keep some sort of filter on here, just in case.
What has really stricken me is how people reacted when I told them. One person in particular, who should have been at least somewhat supportive, was anything but. In fact, the person who was the greatest, was my 13 year-old daughter. I kept my mouth mostly shut about things for most of the week, and decided that Yesterday I would publicly thank my kid for being a wonderful friend. I poured my heart out in the post, and it was long, but I read it over and over before I posted. I finally talked about how I felt. that was all.
To be fair, I didn't go to many people about it until that point. I was humiliated. I was hurt. I'm worried about money and bills and all the other things one worries about upon losing one's job.
That person who was supposed to be my closest friend in all the world besides my husband and my kid?? Decided to publicly berate and demean me, without actually using my name, but it was clear it was intended for my eyes. It's not the first time they have done this to me. I will admit, I half-expected it. And sure enough, my expectations were met.
In the past, when this had happened, I would feel sick for days. I would lament over it. It would keep me up at night. I would cry, making my husband angry and miserable as well. I've had acute gastritis attacks from the stress of having someone whom I trusted with my very life, and those of my family, treat me so cruelly. I would always be the person to reach out and try and mend it first.It killed me to have my friend so mad at me. I hate confrontation, and discord, and will do everything I can to make peace.
This time, I just felt....numb. I remarked to another friend, that I was speechless. And I was. Not because my heart was broken once more by the betrayal and cruelty of this person, but because I realized I was done, and I didn't want to kill myself over it anymore. I had nothing to say.
So while I haven't directly responded to this person, I did respond in my own way. I no longer view this person as someone with whom I can entrust my deepest feelings to. I stopped paying attention to what they had to say. They are still my "friend" but they have become merely someone that I used to be very close to, and now see as an acquaintance. I changed my settings for this person on social media, so that I will no longer have to be subject to the things they say that I know are directed at me so often.
It's passive aggressive, right? Why not just tell them how I feel? Other than the fact that I am tired of being told I'm a drama queen because I don't bottle everything up?
Because it isn't going to change anything, and at some point, you just have to stop mentally killing yourself for someone who won't even lift a metaphorical finger for you. I've been in emotionally and physically abusive relationships before - both platonic and romantic. I'm almost 40 fucking years old. It's time to stop doing this shit to myself. It's time to stop apologizing for the way I think, feel, and express myself and just let people either accept me for who and how I am, or tell them to leave me the fuck alone if they don't like it.
I believe the exact phrase that was used was that I should "Suck it up".
So I am. I sucked up a deep breath, let it out, and am walking away because I am done.
If that person wants to be done too, then so be it. But if they don't, I'll 1- be very surprised, and 2 - not be doing anything until they make an effort to repair the friendship.
To quote a former co-worker: I'm out of fucks to give.
I wish them well, and hope they have a happy and fulfilled life.
I am moving on for now, cultivating other friendships, working on my own inner peace, working on my personal goals for 2015, and at some point in the very near future, will be polishing up that resume and looking for another job.
And I am eagerly anticipating the odyssey that awaits me.
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