What I want out of life: A list and explanations

So I'm sitting here in a Starbucks, on a Tuesday night.  The husband banished me after dinner.  He requested that I figure out what I want out of life, and try to figure out how I can get the things I want.  I think his request was a little broad.  A very large part of me wants to be kind of a bitch and list every single thing I want, down to everything on my Amazon list.

And then the "good angel" pops up on my shoulder and slaps the vindictive bitch.  I know what he is asking of me.  I'm just feeling put out.  And angry.  About a lot of things. But most of it is my own fault.  And Mr. Murphy and his damn Law, which has been pulling the rug from under me all. damn. day.

I lost my job, and it's been 3 1/2 months now.  I've been actively looking of course, for another one, and even have been to a few interviews.  Apparently, I am not as good as I thought.  So I am feeling very, very sorry for myself. Some other shit happened, and seemed to all happen in the space of 48 hours.  Plus, it's April.  Easter just passed.  I hate Easter.  I also hate April 23rd.  So basically the whole fucking month, I loathe and usually am a grouchy person all month long.

With the exception of the month happening, and the lack of a job, I've been feeling great about most aspects of my life, so I think a lot of this resentment is because of the fact that I actually feel pretty good about 90% of the rest of my life right now.  I'm accepting of our financial situation, I feel fairly happy spiritually, and I have some friggin' awesome friends, who I know will, and have, do anything for me, and I would do the same for them.  Seriously, there is very very little that I could really complain about without sounding like #WhiteGirlProblems

So, what the hell else could I possibly want out of my life?  I guess I can list the obvious things, and see if anything pops up while I am working on this.  So, here is the list:

1.) I want a job, that I like, most of the time anyway - and that I get paid what I think I am worth.  I'm working on this.  Sending out at least 5 resumes a week.  I really don't even know what else I could possibly do, save do what my husband calls "settling" and just getting ANY job that pays me anything. I am not sure what more I can do to reach this goal.

2.) I want to be out of our apartment and in at least a townhouse, if not a single family home we can rent- I can't really do a lot about this.  Not working, makes this a virtually impossible thing to get. However, if I DID have a job, I would want to start a "Christmas Stocking Fund"  at the bank.  It's like a little savings account with a timer.  I can't take anythign out of it until a certain date, I can only make deposits.  That would help us to save up.  Now, I know my husband seems to think that our shitty credit would keep us from being able to rent, but those I have talked to about this whole thing, have told me that most places are simply looking for our rental history and if we have enough income.  I think he's making more out of it, thinking people are going to want a full credit history, but my informed friends, who have lived and rented in this area for years, tell me that's just not the case, and as long as we've got the money for the deposit, first month rent and moving expenses, which would be in the aforementioned "Christmas Stocking Fund".

3.) I want to lose 50 lbs. - I'm working on this.  I've been running a 5K every month, and of course training for it.  I go to the gym at least 3 times a week, sometimes more.  I'm working on my eating habits.  trying to eat healthier and smaller portions.  I got a Fitbit so that I can track my steps, and it's fun because there are challenges I can do with friends which motivates me.  And my biggest motivation is meeting David Tennant next month.  I can hear my husband rolling his eyes right now.  Yep, for the next 30 days, the 10th Doctor is my motivation.

4.) Since I am mentioning all the running, I want to run faster and longer.  And I am working on that.  So this is almost pointless to list, but since it's something I want out of my life, I'm listing it. If I am being honest, I want to be able to run a half marathon (13.1 miles) and not die from it, by my 40th Birthday.  And I want my dad to run with me.  I've actually already mentioned this to him.  Maybe I will talk to him more in depth about it.  And also get his advice on how to get my endurance up. Simple enough to reach this goal

5.) I want Spiritual growth. --  Another thing I can work on, once I actually sit my ass down and focus on.  This year there is no Fertile Ground gathering this year, but that doesn't mean I can't work on this on my own.  My friend Crystal has offered to help me make a structured study program to work on this.  And I know I can always talk to others.  I also am looking forward to the Beltane weekend.  It's shorter, more relaxed, and I think that will be good for The Grove as a whole. I think it will help me spiritually, to have the connect with my Kin and nature. As far as the study program,  I know I have the support I need for this.  What can help me obtain this goal?  Sitting down and figuring out what I want to study.  I have an outline in my head, I just need to write it down, then find the resources for it.  Someone suggested Cherry Hill Seminary.  Yeah, that costs money, and it's not cheap.  Need a job, and I have so many other things that are priority over that kind of expense.

6.) I want to be able to do more crocheting.  I know the husband is going to laugh at this one. I want to go to the bi-weekly craft night my friend has at her house.  So I put it in the calendar.  I know I won't be going every time, and that's ok, but it will allow me to kill two birds with one stone:  socializing with the people I like most, and get some work done..  But maybe I can just...pick a day/evening every week that is my dedicated crochet day/evening, even if I am not going to craft night. I also need to make a list of all the projects I want to do this year once I finish the commission piece for my friend.  That I can do easily.

7.) I want to go camping at least once a month starting in May through October.  Beltane weekend is that trip for May.  I have dates picked out for June, July & August. and possibly also September.  I want to go to a campsite nearby so that my husband will come and join me and the kids during the day, and then he can go home at night and it's not too far away. And I only want to go with a few friends, so it's not a huge effort or expense. I also don't want to feel guilty about this.  I have mentioned this to the husband, but I don't think he really gets that I am serious, about the camping I mean.  I suppose when he reads this he will.

8.) I want to learn to ballroom/latin dance or get back into swing dancing. Most of the places that do this are closer to DC, and there just aren't enough hours in the day.  I suppose I could research and see if I can find something closer to our area.  Also, I want my husband to do this with me.  I know I hurt his feelings a long time ago by telling him he couldn't dance, and he's been self-conscious about it ever since.  I wish I hadn't done that.  But I think if we took dancing lessons together, we would both improve our abilities in more than just the dance floor. And it would be something we could do together, with no kids.

9.) I want to travel.  I want to go to England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, Colombia, Italy, Spain, Australia, Amsterdam, Prince Edward Island in Canada.  I'd like to go to the Bahamas again. How to achieve this goal?  Well first, I need a passport.  Then, I need a well paying job or lottery ticket.  I suppose I could spend $5 a week on a Powerball ticket, increase my odds, eh?  Working on the job thing.  I do believe I covered that in #1.

10.) I want to start wearing make-up again, on a more consistent basis.  And this is not because I want to impress anyone.  It's because I think I look nice with a little make-up. I like the way I look with it. It doesn't have to be a lot.  But something everyday.  Easily achievable, but I do need to get a few things to replenish my stuff.  Some of it is old and dried up or whatever.  Believe it or not, mascara is supposed to be replaced every 3 months. and some of mine is a couple years old...so yeah, definitely need to work on the make-up stash. Another thing that money would be really nice to do with.

11.)  I want to learn to speak Spanish.  Fluently.  Not sure how to go about this, without something like Rosetta Stone or taking a class somewhere.  I saw a language school while driving the other day.  I can at least research them and see how much it would cost. Or see about getting Rosetta Stone.

12.)  I want a dog.  a medium sized one, that isn't a yapper.  Having worked in a vet clinic I saw many many many dogs all the time.  There were quite a few that were from rescue places, and I really wanted them.  Often they reminded me of our dog in Hawaii, Maggie May.  She was the best dog ever.  I don't know how I could get this goal, unless I get rid of my cats.  And I am not willing to do that.  So this probably won't happen for another decade.

This is getting hard.  I'm really starting to stretch here.  I almost feel sad that my list isn't longer, but really, I have so much in my life.  I have a loving husband who puts up with me and my scatterbrained thoughts, movements, ideas, etc.  I have pretty awesome kids who are well-behaved, respectable and a reflection of the upbringing and values we as parents have instilled in them. I have awesome friends.  My life is pretty damn good!

 Most of the other stuff on my list is material, and though I don't have the things in my life, I don't feel like my life is complete shit.  Husband has a good job.  We pay our bills, we have cars, I get to do things from time to time with my friends and stuff.  Seriously, everything else is just toppings on the good life I already have.  I think I have focused some things more now, and tried to figure out how I can achieve the things I want, or at least try to.

I hope this helps you to understand me a little better, babe.  I look forward to us talking this over.

I love you.

The Beginning of the End

This blog is basically for me to get all the damn thoughts in my head out.  Like a diary, an online journal.   I will not be promoting this blog in any way, other than the little sharing button that's somewhere on this blog. If you like something I post, then by all means share it.  But I seriously doubt anyone is going to give a damn about the blog of a nearly 40 year old woman who is only blogging because she can't keep the thoughts in her head from making so much noise while she tries to go to sleep.

If I offend you, sorry but I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for me. The thoughts swimming around in this mind of mine are literally driving me mad.

So I lost my job.  It sucks.  I didn't see it coming.  I cried.  A lot.  I was devastated, because, even though I sometimes felt like all I did was work, I liked my job.  It wasn't a fancy job; I was a Receptionist at a Veterinary clinic.  It was fun most days.  Some days not so fun, but I felt like, with the exception of the odd customer here and there who was a complete asshole, I did my job fairly competently.

Apparently not.  I've not been told why I was fired, but I think I know why.  And it's ok.  I didn't play the reindeer games.  I sometimes snapped at a client who was screaming at me for things that I had no control over. And there were days I was just tied, and just wanted to go home at closing, and couldn't.

What upset me was how I was let go - the how, where and when of it all, if you will.  And I don't really want to go into detail, but I will say,  I was fairly insulted and hurt at the way it was done. I am still bitter, so that's all I am gonna say about it.  I need to keep some sort of filter on here, just in case.

What has really stricken me is how people reacted when I told them.  One person in particular, who should have been at least somewhat supportive, was anything but.  In fact, the person who was the greatest, was my 13 year-old daughter.  I kept my mouth mostly shut about things for most of the week, and decided that Yesterday I would publicly thank my kid for being a wonderful friend. I poured my heart out in the post, and it was long, but I read it over and over before I posted.  I finally talked about how I felt. that was all.

To be fair, I didn't go to many people about it until that point.  I was humiliated.  I was hurt.  I'm worried about money and bills and all the other things one worries about upon losing one's job.

That person who was supposed to be my closest friend in all the world besides my husband and my kid??  Decided to publicly berate and demean me, without actually using my name, but it was clear it was intended for my eyes.  It's not the first time they have done this to me.  I will admit, I half-expected it.  And sure enough, my expectations were met.

In the past, when this had happened, I would feel sick for days.  I would lament over it.  It would keep me up at night. I would cry, making my husband angry and miserable as well. I've had acute gastritis attacks from the stress of having someone whom I trusted with my very life, and those of my family, treat me so cruelly. I would always be the person to reach out and try and mend it first.It killed me to have my friend so mad at me. I hate confrontation, and discord, and will do everything I can to make peace.

This time, I just felt....numb.  I remarked to another friend, that I was speechless.  And I was.  Not because my heart was broken once more by the betrayal and cruelty of this person, but because I realized I was done, and I didn't want to kill myself over it anymore. I had nothing to say.

So while I haven't directly responded to this person, I did respond in my own way.  I no longer view this person as someone with whom I can entrust my deepest feelings to. I stopped paying attention to what they had to say.  They are still my "friend"  but they have become merely someone that I used to be very close to, and now see as an acquaintance. I changed my settings for this person on social media, so that I will no longer have to be subject to the things they say that I know are directed at me so often.

It's passive aggressive, right?  Why not just tell them how I feel? Other than the fact that I am tired of being told I'm a drama queen because I don't bottle everything up?

Because it isn't going to change anything, and at some point, you just have to stop mentally killing yourself for someone who won't even lift a metaphorical finger for you. I've been in emotionally and physically abusive relationships before - both platonic and romantic.  I'm almost 40 fucking years old.  It's time to stop doing this shit to myself. It's time to stop apologizing for the way I think, feel, and express myself and just let people either accept me for who and how I am, or tell them to leave me the fuck alone if they don't like it.

I believe the exact phrase that was used was that I should "Suck it up".

So I am.  I sucked up a deep breath, let it out, and am walking away because I am done.

If that person wants to be done too, then so be it.  But if they don't, I'll 1- be very surprised, and 2 - not be doing anything until they make an effort to repair the friendship.

To quote a former co-worker:  I'm out of fucks to give.

I wish them well, and hope they have a happy and fulfilled life.

I am moving on for now, cultivating other friendships, working on my own inner peace, working on my personal goals for 2015, and at some point in the very near future, will be polishing up that resume and looking for another job.

And I am eagerly anticipating the odyssey that awaits me.